Jeah! Ryan Lochte’s Back!

If you’re like me and you’ve been going through Summer Olympics withdrawls for the past, oh, four months – I have good news for you! Everyone’s favorite lovable/ridiculous/dummy gold medalist, Ryan Lochte, is getting his own TV show this spring! And naturally, it’s on E! Because why would a show this ridiculous be on any other network? Except maybe Oxygen. This show could definitely be on Oxygen.

E! Entertainment President Suzanne Kolb said in a statement said, “Ryan Lochte captured everyone’s attention at the Summer Olympics with his athletic prowess and his utterly unique and unaffected approach to life. He is an incredibly endearing personality who is sexy, entertaining and fun. Watching this show, I believe people will fall into three categories: they want to be him, sleep with him or mother him.”

I’m almost 100% sure I won’t want to do any of those three things after watching this show. I do have a dream of being an Olympic gold medalist (doesn’t everyone?) but if the price I had to pay was “being him,” well then, no thanks.

The statement goes on to describe Lochte as “vivescent,” which isn’t actually a real word. But then again, neither are half of the words that come out of his mouth, so I guess it’s fitting.

The show is called “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?” and will follow him as he trains, parties, spends time with his family and friends, and – of course – looks for love. What would Ryan Lochte do for love? Do we really want to know?

Since the show is called “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?” I was thinking, what would I like to see him do? I mean, it really doesn’t matter whether or not he does these things, because I’ll watch the show either way, but still. Here are some things I’d like to see him do on this show:

1. Tell us what he really thinks of Michael Phelps. I mean, come on. We KNOW they hate each other. I want to hear the juicy gossip, Ryan.

2. Say more things like this: 

3. Wear more shoes like these:

4. Race Prince Harry. We know Ryan and Harry raced in a pool in Las Vegas last year (the same trip on which the infamous naked pictures were taken and leaked, so, a really respectable trip for the prince), and I would kill to see this footage.

5. Hang out with Lil Wayne. Because it would be hilarious to be a fly on the wall for their conversation.

6. Talk to a legal team about actually trademarking the phrase “jeah!” I seriously would love to hear him explain the importance of trademarking a phrase that I’ve never heard anyone else use, despite the attention it got this summer. If you’re wondering what “jeah” means, according to Lochte it means “almost anything.”

As ridiculous as this show sounds, I like to support any Olympic athlete who manages to stay relevant (or, relevant-ish) during non-Olympic years. So, I’ll be watching this trainwreck, and if you’re being honest with yourself, you want to tune in, too.