One Moment in Time

Does the title “One Moment in Time” fit this blog post well? I don’t know, but most of my creative energies run through some sort of Olympics filter before they exit my brain, so that’s why I end up naming posts after Olympic theme songs of the 90s.

(Also why the name Tanith Belbin randomly popped into my head yesterday. Don’t ask. I don’t know why my brain works this way.)

Anyway, it’s December, my 4th wedding anniversary was a couple weeks ago, I recently turned 28 (ughhhhhhh that’s a tick of the clock that nobody warns you about) and so I am…. feeling things.

On big days, I like to ask the person celebrating the Big Day questions, like “what was your favorite part of this past year?” and “how are you different today than a year ago?” and “what was this year like for you?”

I asked my husband these questions on our anniversary, and he kindly told me that these questions can get… which words did he use? Nosy, intrusive, annoying, excessive, manipulative, prodding.

But then he humored me and answered them anyway, because he knows I love to reflect and dream and plan and make people confront their feelings on my timing (sorry).

I’ve had a few conversations with different people recently about what this past year has been like for me. To attempt to fully wrap my mind around it seems so impossible, and to have to articulate it is seems even harder. So many things have happened and life is different now than it was a year ago (and yet I struggle with the same things), but this year was also such a blur and moved so fast, that I struggle to process it out loud.

But recently, I’ve been thinking back to specific moments that encompassed so much joy and life. Things that makes me realize, “man, life is really good.” Even if this moment will be over soon, it’s so worth savoring, right now.

(Sidenote: life can be really crappy, too. And I feel like the older I get, the more I realize how broken everything is, and how much people suffer because of things that are totally out of control. And it’s not fair. And those parts of life require us to grieve them. But that’s a post for another time.)

When I look back over 2014, I could obsess about and over-analyze how I changed and grew up and freaked out about inconsequential things and tried to be better and wanted to throw in the towel, but the thought of distilling that into something coherent is exhausting, and makes me want to take a nap.

So I’ll simply share THE GOOD STUFF. You know – those moments when you’re just like, life is pretty amazing sometimes. Times when you realize, there’s no need to overthink or analyze WHY something is special – analyzing them wouldn’t make them any more meaningful. They’re just good and life-giving. Moments when I received a gift from someone else, that made me realize: we really can’t understand all the good in life without relationships with those special people around us. And sometimes we can’t even verbalize what those people have done for our soul, in those moments.

For me, those moments were:

– Dancing with two of the best girls in the world to Kendrick Lamar at Pitchfork this summer. It was hot, the sun was down, we were in our sundressed best at Union Park in Chicago in July, dancing our hearts out. We were made so, so aware of our whiteness. We let go. We watched a woman (world’s best or worst mom, depending on your perspective) dancing with her little baby to the song. The baby was wearing headphones, lest you think she was a completely irresponsible mother. For a few minutes, we didn’t think about anything – we just danced while Kendrick’s sweet rhymes (I said I was white, right?) floated through the muggy air. It was one of those times where you think, ugh I’m sweaty and probably look gross, but then you see a picture of yourself and think, I just look really happy.

– Seeing my oldest and dearest friend move to another country with her new husband. To grow up with a person and see her through every phase of life, and then to watch her marry the person she loves, is SO COOL. And then to see her be stretched in new ways and totally, lovingly, excitedly jump into a crazy adventure of living in another country, is even cooler. When I look at all my friends, one of the things I’m most thankful for is the blessing of watching them do hard things, and do them bravely.

– Watching my husband have fun making a living this year. I’ve learned a crazy amount (about him, about myself, about trusting your gut, about not asking too many questions, about UPC codes) from this man this year.

– Holding my friend’s second (second!) baby boy this fall. Remembering when we used to talk about what our kids would be like “someday” and then actually holding that real, live, sweet baby who has the coolest momma and doesn’t even know it yet. Might not know it for a while.

These are my good things of 2014.

They don’t encapsulate everything that happened to me this year. They can’t – in and of themselves – explain how and why I’ve grown and changed (and maybe regressed, in some ways?). And there were so many other moments that gave me joy, stretched me, and changed me, but in the interest of not sounding like a total narcissist, I limited them to four.

This world is so, so not what it should be. But these are my glimpses of joy, of love, of amazing people showing me the beautiful things this little world has for us. And it makes me hopeful for so much more.

So with that, goodbye 2014. I can’t wait to experience my good (really, truly, GOOD) moments of 2015.

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