Hathaway: 1, Humanity: 0

You can breathe a big sigh of relief – awards season is officially over.

As much as I love awards shows, I am very happy to have my Sunday evenings back. And I’m even more glad I don’t have to see Anne Hathaway’s face for a while. Last night, I commented that I hope she gets pregnant soon so she won’t work for the next year or so. Just kidding, Anne. I don’t mean it. But also, is that your biological clock I hear ticking? Better go check on that.

I don’t have very strong reactions to any of the results from last night, because I’ve seen so few of the nominated movies. All I can say is, I’m sad that Zero Dark Thirty didn’t win more awards. And of course, I hated to see Anne Hathaway win, but I guess it was inevitable, so I’m glad to get it out of the way.

Otherwise, good job, everyone. You wrote, directed, acted, sang, edited, designed, and cinematographied your way into Oscar history. Well done.

Good job to the losers, too. Even those of you nominated in the same categories as Daniel Day-Lewis and Adele. You never stood a chance, but you showed up to the ceremony with a smile on your face anyway.

As usual, the show was too long, contained too many random tangental performances, and wasn’t as funny as it should’ve been. My hopes for host Seth MacFarlane were fairly low, and yet he still managed to be less funny than I thought was possible. Slaughterhouse 90210 summed up my feelings on the host situation pretty well:

“”If they invent a car that runs on stupid jokes, you could go far.” — Haruki Murakami, Sputnik Sweetheart

“”If they invent a car that runs on stupid jokes, you could go far.” 
— Haruki Murakami, Sputnik Sweetheart

The only funny thing he’s ever done is this, which, admittedly, is really hilarious:

Beyond the shoddy hosting, the show was all over the place: it included appearances by William Shatner, the cast of the movie version of Chicago, and a performance by Jennifer Hudson which made me want to rip my face off and throw it into a river. And I’m telling you I’m not going? No, Jennifer – I’m telling YOU that I’m going to go, if you don’t stop screaming that damn song.

Anyway, as you can probably already tell by my angry ranting, if you’re looking for intelligent commentary on the results, you’ll have to look elsewhere. I’m only focused on the important things: who looked great, who looked crazy, and who did something nutty during the ceremony.

So, first of all, let’s see which millionaire with a stylist and unlimited resources managed to look best:

Amy Adams, who always looks amazing at the Oscars. This year’s red carpet look (on the left, below), while objectively beautiful, didn’t totally wow me. However, her post-show dress was stunning, fun, and classy, so she’s on my list:

Carolyn Murphy. Full disclosure: I’m not sure who this person is, and I think she was probably only invited to the after-parties. But she gets a spot on the list, because her red dress was simple yet unique, and fit her perfectly:

Quentin Tarantino’s date, whose name is Lianne Spiderbaby, also looked amazing. Unfortunately, that’s not her real name, but it makes sense that a crazy like Tarantino would be attracted a woman who changed her last name to “Spiderbaby.” I had never heard of this woman before, but I love her whole look. She’s formal, yet funky and beachy, which is my favorite red-carpet look. It’s too bad she had to go home with Quentin, but she looks great.

Naomi Watts. Oh man. Naomi. She just kills it on the red carpet – every year. And at the after-parties. I can’t decide which dress was my favorite, so I included them both:

Kerry Washington. Folks, Kerry is the best-dressed woman in Hollywood. She’s too skinny, but she has great fashion sense. Or her stylist does. Either way.

Sally Field. The thing I love about Sally’s dress is it’s totally age appropriate, but fun and fashiony enough to be worn by someone 45 years younger. She looked gorgeous:

Worst:

Kristen Stewart. Damnit, you ungrateful little brat. YOU’RE AT THE OSCARS. SMILE. Pretend you don’t hate your life for five seconds. Kristen wins “worst dressed” this year – she also just won a Razzie for Worst Actress, so you tell me why she’s presenting at the Academy Awards. Her dress looks like an ugly, ripped, half-finished bridal gown, and to top off her horrible look, she couldn’t even bother to run a comb through her ratty hair. Her overall look just makes me angry. I bet she’s even wearing Chuck Taylors under her dress, but I can’t bring myself to Google it, because if it’s true, I might throw my computer at the wall.

That’s it. Only Kristen is on my worst-dressed list. Moving on.

There’s much more to discuss, like:

The camera guy didn’t realize that David O. Russell, director of Silver Linings Playbook, is not the same person as 86-year-old woman Emanuelle Riva:

Ladies were making weird faces:

These people were drunk:

Salma Hayek is married to an actual billionaire, and yet showed up looking like Tara Lipinski in the 90s:

And of course, the two best parts of the show were Barbra Streisand singing “The Way We Were” (a personal fave of mine) and Adele singing “Skyfall.” Both ladies sounded amazing. While everyone is – justifiably – talking about how funny and charming and BFF-worthy Jennifer Lawrence was last night, I think I’d prefer to go out for a cocktail with Babs and Adele.

Adele and Barbra Streisand at the Governors Ball

And finally, the absolute best moment of the night, in terms of sheer cuteness:

The Only Oscar GIF You Need, Starring Quvenzhané Wallis

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