Am I good enough to be this family’s nanny?

Tonight I was flipping through my Google Reader, and as I was skimming Gawker’s stories, I found this crazy story about a crazy family. 

A couple in New York is searching for a nanny on Craigslist, and they’re hoping to find someone who speaks multiple languages, has a pristine academic record, and will basically bend over backward in order to make a whopping $15 an hour. I know the economy is terrible, but, seriously. SERIOUSLY.

I have a college degree and almost five (five? how did that happen??) years of professional experience, but if I ever were hoping to get a job like this, I would get through about 10 of their 65 questions and then laugh at my computer screen and yell “are you kidding me???” and close the window without finishing the application.

Because, seriously. 65 questions, to become a part-time babysitter? People. Please.

The listing (which has since been removed, probably since hundreds of people started applying as a joke) began with the following statement:

“Grab your umbrella! You are a magical Mary Poppins, a wizard, or a giant spiky Triceratops. You love to play, pretend, create, teach, and nurture. You are reliable, warm, and fun, but also know how to say “no” when necessary.”

I’m trying to find words to describe how this statement makes me feel, but I can’t seem to find them. In order to understand how I feel, just picture me rolling my eyes and slamming my head into the wall repeatedly. I will be a magical Mary Poppins or a wizard if I DARN WELL WANT TO BE – not because some obnoxious parents are forcing me to be.

Unfortunately, because the post has been removed, the entire 65-question survey is no longer available, but Gawker did manage to pull the following questions. Just for kicks, I thought I’d answer some of them (my answers are bold) to find out how much of this family’s shit I could take (spoiler alert: I found I could take very little):

  • What’s your name? Lauren
  • Are you a US citizen? Yes and even if not, I would say yes because I’ve just got a feeling about this question, that I probably should say yes.
  • Would you ever go to Queens? I can tell from the description that this job is IN Queens, so I suppose I should say yes.
  • Will you be able to provide a letter from your primary care doctor stating that you are in good health and able to perform the “rigorous job of caring for two small children?” I’m pretty sure my doctor wouldn’t understand why such a letter was needed for a babysitting job, but sure, I guess I could ask.
  • Will you provide a letter from your doctor listing all your current prescription drugs? Umm HIPAA. So, no.
  • Which recreational drugs do you do? First of all, I love that you ask “which ones” I do rather than “do I do any,” – you’re just assuming that, as someone trying to get a part-time babysitting job, I must take recreational drugs. Well, I don’t. 
  • Do you take any of the following prescription drugs or their derivatives? Choose all that apply:Ritalin, Percocet, Adderall, Vicodin, Tylox, OxyContin – No, but why do I have the sneaking suspicion that you have all of these in your medicine cabinet?
  • How many smokes do you typically have on a social occasion? First of all, this question makes me laugh. “Smokes.” These are cigarette “smokes,” right? Because, this family is pretty curious about recreational types of smokes. But I’ll assume you mean ciagrette “smokes,” in which case, my answer is zero smokes. Except rarely, one smoke. Or even more infrequently, five smokes. But normally, no smokes.
  • What was your high school GPA? Does anyone actually remember this? I mean, it was good! Really good. Good enough to ensure I’d be able to teach your kids the things I vaguely remember about calculus and French and various wars.
  • What age do you feel is the oldest a child should cease breastfeeding? Are you expecting me to breastfeed your child? If not, why do I need to answer this? 
  • Are you comfortable lifting a 60 pound stroller up a flight of stairs? No, that does not sound “comfortable.” And why does it weigh 60 pounds? Am I not allowed to take the child out of it before hauling it upstairs?
  • How long have you been away from home (define “home” as where your family is)? Will you be kidnapping me? Do I need to prepare myself for long periods away from home?
  • What would you do during our child’s 2 hour nap? Rummage through your medicine cabinet clean your house.
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