I can’t believe I’m watching this.

I’ve never watched Dancing with the Stars. Because, oh I don’t know, it seems horrible?

I had put this show in the same category as Two and a Half Men (glad to hear little Angus now feels the same way), but then I ended up in a resort in Colombia this year and the only English channel showed it on repeat. And I didn’t like it, but I also didn’t completely hate it, so now, Dancing with the Stars is all alone on the list of shows that get insanely high ratings that I’ve never seen but KNOW I’d hate.

I have never even had a desire to watch it, but I follow almost every member of the Fierce 5 on Instagram (because if anyone can teach me how to properly take selfies, it’s 16-year-old girls), and yesterday I realized that all five girls are performing on DWTS (ew, I’m already using the acronym) yesterday and tonight, and I decided I had to watch. And yes, I realize I’m putting myself through a 2-hour broadcast for a 3-minute performance.

So, as a first-time watcher, I decided to write down everything I think as I watch tonight’s finale:

There are three couples still in the running to be crowned this season’s champion. The first couple they show is Kelly and Val. Apparently one member of each group is the “star” and one is the dancer, but so far, neither person is remotely familiar to me. And I read people.com like every day. Not only do I not know which member of this couple is the alleged “star,” but I don’t know which person is Kelly and which is Val.

I mean, seriously. It’s a bit of a misnomer to call this show “Dancing with the Stars.” Maybe a more accurate title would be “Dancing with people you may vaguely remember if you watch a lot of reality TV.”

The next couple Melissa and Tony – I’ve gathered that Melissa is the woman and Tony is the man, but I don’t know which one is the “star.” Melissa is very nervous about performing on the show and I am very nervous for her. But mostly nervous that her boobs are going to fall out of her costume, because, yikes.

The last couple in the running is Shawn and Derek. I’m cheering for them only because I love women’s gymnastics.

Oooh! So far the best part of this broadcast is the ad for This is 40.

Ah! The Fierce 5 are performing already! That was fast! Now I may not have to sit through the whole broadcast (oh, but I will…). These girls are awesome. They’re finding a way to still be culturally relevant almost four months after the Olympics ended, which is about three and a half months longer than most gold medalists can manage.

The camera just cut to Chaz Bono sitting next to Florence Henderson in the audience. I’m guessing they might be there together because they both competed on the show, but I prefer to assume they’re just good friends who go to events together.

Is this whole “Dance Center” their attempt to get men interested in this show? Because, umm… I don’t think that’s going to happen.

OK, I just took an hour-long break from watching the show, but don’t worry, I’m pretty sure I didn’t miss anything important.

Annnnnd… nope! I didn’t miss anything. Whew. That was close.

Ah! Just figured out that Kelly is the woman and Val is the man. Also, they’re defffffintely sleeping together. They just denied it on live TV but they definitely are because Val just said he loves her unconditionally and they’re feeling each other up. I bet when their friends tease them about being together, they’re like, “We’re NOT together. We just hung out last night and did the rumba!” and their friends are like, “Ew. Don’t tell us what you call it.”

Ughhh Melissa just said “Cha cha is the hard one because it’s the counting one.” Oh, sweet Melissa. Sweet, sweet Melissa.

If Tom Cochrane has been waiting over 20 years for some D-list celebrities to do a cha-cha dance to “Life is a Highway” on live TV, then he’s in luck.

Wait, so seriously, what do the winners win besides the mirror-ball trophy? They win money too, right? If not, why are they so excited?

Shawn Johnson has a shockingly low voice for a female gymnast. And by that, I mean, she has a normal voice for a woman.

Shawn has spent about 1/3 of this song with her head in her partner’s crotch… GUYS. IT’S A FAMILY SHOW. Who choreographed this thing? Were they like, “Guys, this is looking pretty good… but I think we need a little bit more of the head-in-crotch move.”

I’m just thinking… if a normal person, like myself, went on this show, I can see myself getting kind of excited about people cheering for me. But if you’ve been to the Olympics, are you honestly getting emotional about people cheering for your ballroom dance? I mean, really, Shawn. Get a hold of yourself.

In 500 years, if someone wants to understand the state of American culture in the early 21st century, I would simply point them to a still frame of Bristol Palin and Joey Fatone sitting next to each other while Tom Bergeron stands in front of them talking about which former reality star is going to win an award for dancing.

OK, now they’re announcing third place… and the third place couple is: Kelly and Val! Bummer for them. Ah well, at least they’re in love with each other. Even though they won’t admit it. OK, now they’re saying her full name is Kelly Monaco… and I still have no idea who she is.

Now they’re announcing the winner. OMG if Shawn gets 2nd place in something again, I won’t even be able to handle it. It’ll be like Beijing all over again. I’m so much more emotionally invested in her happiness than I thought I would be 10 minutes ago.

Waiting…. waiting…

Oh boy, this is some Seacrest-esque stalling.

And the winner is: Melissa and Tony! Now that they’ve won, will they tell us who they are?? (No, I’m forced to google them)

Wait wait wait! Why is Pamela Anderson there, in thigh-high leather boots?

Oh! Tom Bergeron just announced what else the winners get… an appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live. Seriously, WHAT ELSE DO THEY GET, TOM. I cannot understand why/how they don’t at least get a check. These “stars” can’t possibly have other jobs – that’s why they’re on this show.

Oh thank God, it’s over. I sort of hate all the people on this show, but also, I hope that someday I’ll look as happy as Melissa and Tony sitting on someone’s shoulders, confetti raining down, hoisting the storied DWTS mirror-ball trophy. Well done, guys. Soak it up.

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