Friends, it’s over.
Every Twilight book has been released, and now, after four agonizing years, the movies are all out.
You may never have to see Taylor Lautner’s face again!
This week, I went to see the final installment of the Twilight series, called Breaking Dawn. It’s called Breaking Dawn, because… who knows…. Stephenie Meyers was drinking a lot of wine coolers when she wrote it? I was hoping to merely be somewhat entertained, but what I found surprised me: I actually enjoyed this movie. And it was funny! I laughed out loud several times, although I’m not sure if that was what the filmmaker intended.
So in honor of the end of this great/terrible franchise, here are 20 random thoughts on the film:
1. Kristen Stewart is a truly horrible actress.
2. Robert Pattinson may be an even worse actor.
3. Taylor Lautner, though… not bad. Not distractingly bad.
4. Jeff Daniels looks awful.
5. Robyn looks… different.
6.Wait, is this a porno?
7. I know a lot of people who have had babies recently, and so far, I haven’t heard of a single Renesmee, so I have a lot of hope for our generation. Although at this point, I think it might prefer Renesmee over all the Jaydens.
8. A group of high school girls in our theater had already seen the movie multiple times, so maybe I don’t have as much hope for this generation as I thought.
9. Until the end of this movie, I didn’t think vampires could die??? What?? Did I make that up, or did Stephenie Meyers just change that piece of vampire lore? I’m so confused!
10. You kill them by ripping their heads off? Whaaaaaat is happening?
11. Objectively, Ashley Greene’s haircut is awful, but for some reason, I think it looks really good on her:
12. Kellen Lutz, sit down, buddy. We need to talk about something. Now that these movies are over, you have a plan B career, right?
13. The head of the Volturi (not even looking up the correct spelling of that) is played by Michael Sheen, and I’m sorry, that doesn’t work for me. I’d be afraid of him if he played a troubled nerd who goes to girls’ houses to fix their computers but then knocks them out and chops their bodies into pieces (sorry, I’ve been watching too much Dexter), but I just can’t be afraid of him in this role, wearing a long cape and everything.
14. Don’t these movies make a bajillion dollars? Can’t they hire someone to do a better opening sequence?
15. Dream sequences are lazy filmmaking. LAZY.
16. If that dream sequence was actually in the book (I wouldn’t know), then Stephenie Meyers is lazy.
17. Kristen Stewart spent the entire film without pants on. That girl loves her leggings.
18. By far, the best part of the movie was Renesmee riding around on Jacob’s (as a werewolf) back with her Jansport backpack on. But then, the worst part of the movie was finding out THEY END UP TOGETHER GROSS WTF STEPHENIE MEYER.
19. Stephenie Meyers is a monster.
20. Now that this series is over, it’s time for more of this!